By Amy Ahlers, Certified Life Coach & Author

“If only I were thin enough, rich enough, better looking…THEN I could stop being so hard on myself.” Have you ever had that thought? If only your circumstances were different you could then magically shift your internal dialogue into an empowering, nurturing, loving one, right? After more than a decade of coaching people from every walk of life, I finally got it: we are hard on ourselves despite our external circumstances.

We beat ourselves up for both the big things and for the tiniest imperfections. And all this punishment isn’t helping us become more successful or to feel more fulfilled or even to get more done.

And who can blame us for being so hard on ourselves? Women have a lot on their plates: careers, romance, kids, health . . . the list goes on and on. We’re supposed to bring home the bacon, fry it up in a pan, have incredible sex with our partners (never letting him forget he’s a man — that is, assuming he is a man), get the laundry and housework done, have healthy, accomplished kids, and a tight butt and perky boobs to boot. And it’s no easier for men. The demands of modern life make us feel like we’re supposed to enjoy being pulled in a million directions at the same time. And that we’re supposed to be as flexible as Gumby on muscle relaxers. But we’re only human.

What would happen if we gave ourselves a break?

First, it is vital that you identify the critical, catty, judgmental voice in your head as your very own Inner Critic. And I’ve got news for you: Your Inner Critic is a Big Fat Liar! She/he tells you Big Fat Lies to try to maintain the status quo and keep you in your comfort zones even if your comfort zones aren’t all that comfortable.

If you want to take control of your happiness, it’s time to take Your Inner Critic out of the driver’s seat.

Try the five tips below to ditch Your Inner Critic:

Tip One: Identify Your Inner Critic’s Top 10 List of places, situations, and environments where she/he likes to show up and criticize. Is it at work? Social events? In bed? Whenever you look in the mirror? Once you know what circumstances are likely to trigger Your Inner Critic, you can be better prepared to deal with that voice.

Tip Two: Draw, doodle or sketch a picture of Your Inner Critic. Is he pudgy with big glasses? Perfectly pressed in pink? A slob with a cigarette in one hand and a martini in the other? Don’t worry if you think you can’t draw. No one will ever see this but you, so go for it! Having a mental image of the voice that tortures you – particularly a funny image – can instantly take away some of Your Inner Critic’s power.

Tip Three: Get to know Your Inner Critic on a deeper level. Notice what makes him louder, and notice what diminishes her power. What happens if you just yell “Shut up!”? What if you just look her calmly in the eye and reassure her that everything is going to be all right? Maybe he needs a compliment every now and then? After all, Inner Critics need love too.

Tip Four: What are Your Inner Critic’s favorite Big Fat Lies about you? What does he/she say to you over and over? Is it, “You’re a Failure,” “You’re Unlovable,” or “You’re Not Enough?” Your Inner Critic will collect evidence to make the case that you’re not good enough, even twisting things around when necessary. Your Inner Critic will do everything possible to back up those favorite punishing, disappointing, sad stories about you and your worth, so it’s up to you to remember the good stuff about you, no matter how convincing she/he seems.

Tip Five: Do this powerfully simple three step process to see through Your Inner Critic’s Big Fat Lies:

• Step One: Ask yourself, “What is my Inner Mean Girl/Inner Critic saying?” Give voice to  the Big Fat Lies you are believing. Speak them – get them out of the darkness and into the light so they can be healed. Don’t hold back here . . . rant! Let it out!

• Step Two: Close your eyes, take a deep breath, and ask yourself, “What does my Inner Wisdom know?” Sink into the land of your Inner Wisdom’s Truth. This is the place that feels grounded. It feels like home. Really let the Truth wash all over you and disintegrate the Big Fat Lies. Ahhh . . . that feels better!

• Step Three: Lock in your Inner Wisdom’s Truth by repeating it (aloud if possible)   accompanied by a physical gesture that reinforces the message. My Inner Wisdom has me lightly touch my heart; I have one client who waves his hand as though he were testifying in church and another who touches her belly. This gesture becomes your touchstone, reminding you to step into Truth and feel better.

Shifting your focus to your Inner Wisdom will always bring you in line with your Truth and Compassion, and you will  always feel better. As you practice this process more and more, you’ll find your Inner Superstar coming to life.

Here’s the Truth: You are a Superstar.

And I know, because my Inner Wisdom told me so.

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Join Amy Ahlers for the Exposing the Big Fat Lies Summit and Get The TRUE STORY About How To Quit Being Hard On Yourself & Start Being Happy! 21 World-Class Experts Disclose Their Secrets And Share Like You’ve Never Heard Them Before…Really! http://tinyurl.com/BigFatLiesSummit

AMY AHLERS, the Wake Up Call coach and cofounder of the Inner Mean Girl Reform School, is the author of Big Fat Lies Women Tell Themselves: Ditch Your Inner Critic and Wake Up Your Inner Superstar. Visit her online at http://www.wakeupcallcoaching.com/

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Based on the book Big Fat Lies Women Tell Themselves: Ditch Your Inner Critic and Wake Up Your Inner Superstar © 2011 by Amy Ahlers. Printed with permission of New World Library, Novato, CA.

www.newworldlibrary.com or 800?972?6657 ext. 52.

A few weeks ago I saw this status from a friend on Facebook:

“So if you are constantly on FB bragging about your life and talking about how wonderful everything is you are either on drugs, living in an alternate reality, or you’re trying to convince yourself, CUZ I AINT BUYING IT!”

My initial reaction was “woah someone is having a bad day.” But then I thought about it, and she has a point. No one’s life is perfect every moment of every day. But on the other hand, I can’t really handle those Eeyore personality folks who opt to use every social channel they have to complain about their job, husband, sister’s dog, etc etc.

I wonder where the balance is?

In a day and age where so much of our lives are online for all the world to see, when do you decide to share what’s going on?

A few days ago Elisa (Ophelia’s Webb) wrote a great post called Nothing That’s Worthwhile is Ever Easy. Her post is heartfelt, genuine, but most certainly would not fall into the Sunshine and Roses category. Here’s an excerpt from her post (I highly recommend you read the whole thing):

But feeling sorry for myself and wading in the suffering does nothing in the end. There are starving children in Africa, right? What right do I have to cry uncontrollably for ten minutes over a chunk of hair from my already layered cut? … I know that the title of this post is the truth. That the life we want does not often come easily. I don’t want it to come easily. I really wish it wasn’t so damned hard either. I don’t want it all. I just want my sparkle back.

I think it was so important for her to share this post, for two reasons.

1. sometimes just expressing your emotions (even to one person) lessens the load so that you’re not the only one carrying the burden
2. as a writer, opening yourself up and being vulnerable gives others the permission to be completely real… with themselves, with you as the author, or perhaps with their own audience.

This guest post was written by Rebecca Thorman, one of the first female Gen Y bloggers I “met” online. Many of you may know of Rebecca from her previous blog Modite, what you might not know is that Rebecca launched a new blog… Kontrary picks up where the rest of the web left off.

Ah, happiness. It’s so elusive, right? My guess is that you spend the great majority of your time online reading and browsing aimlessly, seeking that secret to happiness, that thing that will make you motivated and feel happy for the rest of the day, maybe the rest of the week if you’re lucky.

In fact, it seems that everything is “how to be rich, be happy, quit your day job, have sex every day and live well” and in these five buckets (happiness, money, work, life, relationships), we’re seeing people repeat the same things over and over to the point where there is no value anymore.

Seriously, how many times can you read about how to be creative or how to execute your idea? You probably would be great at doing what you love, but you are too afraid to do so because we’re stuck in society’s delusion – that is, what we really want to do we’re afraid won’t be acceptable in society or are told to stay in whatever place society has created for us (particularly true for women).

There’s nothing stopping anyone from doing what they want and living their highest values except most people try to live in other people’s values instead of their own, or they expect other people to live inside their values instead of recognizing they have their own as well.

Le sigh. I’d like to suggest two solutions:

1) Recognize that happiness is not the end goal, but that you are always feeling happiness, and you are always feeling pain, in every moment. Struggle isn’t something to overcome then, but just is. Some days things will go your way, and some days they won’t. Accept it and find a balance.

2) Dive deeper. Happiness is not the be all and end all. There’s a whole lot more going on in the world like energy innovations, media, healthcare, philosophy, the sharing economy, technology, fashion, the food industry, political history. So, maybe stop reading so much about the processes of ideas, and start reading about actual ideas.

My guess is that by avoiding your pursuit of happiness for awhile, you’ll find more of it than you thought possible.

One of the things I love about blogging, and reading other blogs, are those accidental a-ha moments that we stumble upon. Sometimes in our rambling about life, work, or a stranger on the street inspired words magically find there way into a post.

When I read the following words from Nicole is Better, not only did I nod my head in agreement, but I knew I needed to share them. So here’s me raising my glass to Nicole for beautiful words of inspiration.

“I spent a lot of time thinking about what makes a happy life a happy life, and the biggest conclusion I reached is that in order for it to be a happy life, it has to be your life. For me, that means letting it be okay that I fucking hate the gym. It also means recognizing that other people love the gym, and that that’s okay too. What’s not okay is the overwhelming pressure to live someone else’s best life. Where the hell does that come from? When did we decide that it was okay to beat ourselves up over all the things we’re not doing, when we don’t even want to be doing most of those things in the first place?… What makes me feel good certainly doesn’t have to make you feel good; happiness is an individual pursuit. Just do me a favor: figure out what does make you happy and go fucking do it already.”

{See her whole post on eliminating guilt.}

The following guest post was written by Lauren Lankford, blogger, photographer, artist, decorator, designer, writer, fashion enthusiast, & tea drinker. Lauren is a daily mission to make my life beautiful & speak the truth in love.

Hey guys! Lauren here, the Team Leader for Love Bomb!

Elysa is digging the Love Bomb project and I wanted to get you all on board! What is Love Bomb? The concept is simple. Once a week, as a worldwide community, we concentrate our love and drop a “love bomb” on a blogger who is going through hell. We change the lives of those desperately needing hope, love, care & encouragement – together, once a week, for five minutes.

We are all busy, I know this. But the next time someone asks you what you’re doing with your life, I bet your answer isn’t “cleaning up,” “going grocery shopping” or “sitting at a desk.” I know that all of you want something More.

A homeless man asked me a couple days ago what my life objective was, and without hesitation I replied, “to love people.” It’s taken me a long time to get here. To the place where that is my default answer, where it comes naturally. Yes I want to get married, yes I want to live where I want to live, there are activities and careers that I dream about. But what do I want to do with my life? Love people.

And it’s a genuine fight to fit what you’re doing with your life into your daily routine.

This is why I’m pouring a good chunk of every day into Love Bomb, and why I am the new Team Leader for the project. I want to help you fit what you truly care about into your daily or weekly routine. So please, put your name and email into the little box below, and every week when you get the email linking you to someone who desperately needs to be reminded that that love is real, take 5 minutes to do something about it. I want to see all of you grow into the place where you are content to simply respond, “I want to love people” when you are asked what you’re doing with your life.

Come on guys, you are bloggers. This is what we do. We comment to show our love.

website | @dropalovebomb

Follow us on Tumblr, on Twitter and subscribe below to the once-a-week mission emails.

And welcome to the Love Bomb Team. :)

- lauren xoxo
@laurenlankford

I heart books. One monthish (I make up words) ago I saw a tweet that Tony Hsieh, CEO of Zappos, was coming out with a new book. I had the pleasure of hearing Tony speak in Vegas this past February. Let’s just say if I didn’t a) love living in Texas b) like my current job, I may have felt very compelled to up-and-move to Vegas so I could work for Zappos. Seriously, that’s how inspired I was by what Tony had to say about Zappos and the company culture. So naturally, when I heard this new book coming out about Zappos I knew I must have it! Believe it or not (I’m still jumping up and down) I got an advanced copy to review for this very here blog.

Delivering Happiness: A Path to Profits, Passion, and Purpose“>Being that I love books and I love blogging you’d think that I’d love blogging about books, but ya know what, I pretty much suck am not great at the book blogging. As a blogger every time I read an article, book, magazine, newspaper (ehh not really) I immediately want to blog about it. The problem with books, especially one as fabulouso as Delivering Happiness, is that about ever 4 pages I want to put the book down and copy verbatim the words from the book to share with my blogging friends. You may have guessed I’m not going to do this. But I have had quite the debate about what to share with you about this lovely book. Do I share the story about the people who ordered pizza from the Zappos’ rep, or when Timmy needed a big man watch, or perhaps something more serious like the impact of random acts of WOWness? Well, I have good news and bad… the good news you can read all of these little tidbits (and much more) in the book starting TODAY! The other good news is I have one book to GIVEAWAY! The bad news is, if you don’t buy (or win) the book you will never know how Jonathan helped Timmy with his very important watch search. Betcha didn’t know Zappos sold watches.

Have you stopped reading, because your brain is full of MUST WIN THE BOOK chatter? I’ll try not to be too offended. Here’s how you enter:

One of the big topics of this book is how Zappos came to have The Culture Book. A question was asked to employees of Zappos about the company culture. The (unedited) answers to this question were published in a book that became part of the training regimen at Zappos. So, I thought it would be fun for you to answer this question about your job (self employed, corporate, startup, wherever you make money) as your entry to win your very own copy of the book. You can leave your response in the comments below, write a blog post and link here, or tweet your answer and send a link to the tweet, or I suppose if you want to be anonymous you can send me an email.

Here’s the question: If you had to describe your company’s culture in two or three paragraphs, what would you say? If you asked your coworkers to do the same, how similar (or different) do you think their answers would be?

Quotable from Delivering Happiness:

• “Looking over the crowd, I realized that every person took a different path to get here, but our paths somehow all managed to intersect with one another in the here and now.”
• “I’d won the game of what I was told college was supposed to be all about: getting a job that paid as much money as possible”
• “I wasn’t mentally prepared for this scenario. I’d been thinking about what value meal I was going to order from Taco Bell.”
• “Envision, create, and believe in your own universe, and the universe will form around you.”

I have a special connection with the music world. I’m not sure if my iPod is psychic or if there’s a DJ fairy that lives in my apartment. But, I am convinced there must be a not-so-logical explanation for why it is that any time I find myself in a mood that I can’t put words on, that all I have to do is hit “Shuffle” on my 2003 iPod and the words I was searching for fill up my room.

Tonight those words came in the form of Sara Evans, I Keep Looking.

***
Just as soon as I get what I want
I get unsatisfied
Good is good but could be better

I keep looking, I keep looking for
I keep looking for something more
I always wonder what’s on the other side
Of the number two door
I keep looking
Looking for something more

Well, the straight haired girls
They all want curls
And the brunettes wanna be blonde
It’s your typical thing
You got ying you want yang
It just goes on and on
They say, hey, it’s only human
To never be satisfied
Well I guess that I’m as human as the next one
***

I wonder if it’s a generational thing? Are we a generation of “always wanting to know what’s next”? Or is it a gender thing? Maybe females are the dreamers who need to reach for the next star? Or… maybe it’s a personality trait that a select few have? Which ever it is… this song spoke to the words in my heart.

At this moment in time I love what I have with my family, and lifelong and newfound friends, my better-than-I-could-imagine relationship, job that challenges me everyday and the moments in between.

I also changed my hair from blonde to strawberry blonde, am looking to move AGAIN, need a new computer, plan to redesign this blog, am tired bored with the movies I’ve seen lately and should get back to the gym in this decade.

But “good is good but could be better.”

I don’t know exactly what that “better” is yet. Whatever it is I’m ready.

ps: I wrote this post from my iPhone in bed because I can’t sleep. Yet another trait of the “unsatisfied”.

photo by: orangeacid

Do you have any of your own secrets to add? What makes you truly happy?

I know this sounds a bit silly, but I really love the Facebook Flair app. Mine is filled with fun quotes and pictures. So here’s the knowledge that my facebook flair has to offer to you:

• no regrets, just lessons learned
• seriously?!
• Have a Nice Day
• if you believe in it, then stand for it
• Good friends don’t let you do stupid things … alone
• Art washes away from the soul the dust of everyday life. – Picasso
• Life isn’t about waiting for the storm to pass … it’s about learning to dance in the rain
• An Apple a day keeps windows away
• What makes you different makes you beautiful
• To draw you must close your eyes and sing. – Picasso
• Everything will be okay in the end. If It’s not okay, it’s not the end.
• Time you enjoy wasting was not wasted. – John Lennon
• I believe in music like some people belive in fairy tales
• Artists are sexy
• Hug Harder. Laugh Louder. Smile Bigger. Love Longer.
• Life isn’t about finding youself. Life is about creating yourself.
• Believe
• We’re adults. When did that happen? And how do we make it stop?
• laughter (n): when a smile has an orgasm

This is what my flair can tell you about me:

• I’m adorkable
• I’m a brown eyed girl
• I love sushi
• My alarm clock and I are NOT friends.
• I shower naked.
• I’m blogging this.

I’ve debated whether or not to have GenPink be geared specifically to women or keep it more neutral with the occasionally pinkness. Since this has been an ongoing debate I’m always interested to find sites that are geared specifically to women (or so they say). This mornings I found SheZoom – A new online community focused on woman-friendly, compelling and real-world information. Essentially SheZoom is a video sharing YouTubeish site geared towards women that launched in March of 2008.

I thought I’d share a video that proposed some interesting questions about who is happier – men or women and single or married people. Watch the video and then let us know what you think.