Danae Matthews lives in San Francisco and writes for an on-line women’s health resource Women’s Health Base.

Hit the Brakes

There is a defining moment in every relationship. The first kiss that assures a mutual attraction. Meeting the parents. For all of the flowery displays of affection and exclusivity there are then the “red-flag” moments. Amidst the red-flags it can become hard for us to decipher what are speed-bumps and what are road-blocks. The deal breakers that should send us heading for the hills so frequently become the things that we think we can “work out” together. This is why you have so many girlfriends stuck in dead-end relationships lying to themselves that at the heart of it all, they are meant to be together.
So how do you decode a speed-bump from a road-block? Every relationship comes with its own set of rules of course, but some things to keep in mind…

1. Your significant other doesn’t like any of your friends
   Who you choose to surround yourself with is a direct reflection on you and your personality. If the person you’re dating takes issue with your best gaggle of girlfriends watch out. This could mean a number of different things, but two big ones could be: he is conditioning your relationship to be exclusively you+him by cutting out the competition, and/or there are things he doesn’t love about you that he sees illuminated in your friend group.
2. Major life decisions start being taken off the table
   If all of the sudden your boyfriend starts getting really adamant about the things he doesn’t want, listen to what he’s saying. If in the beginning of dating you managed to tip-toe around most of the serious subjects, but now he is making big proclamations about never wanting to get married, or having no desire to have children it could be the symptom of a much bigger problem. The last thing you want to do is think that if you stay together longer, he will change his mind.
3. You start getting calls and texts to see what you’re doing
   This is a fine line to walk. Some couples text all day long as a way to get through a tedious work-day or stay connected. But if you start getting more and more texts or calls just to “check-in” and see what you are doing it might be a good idea to hit the brakes and convene for a convo. You already have one father and if you allow what may seem like innocent behavior go on too long, you could end up with two.
4. Separate religions, but now you’re serious
   So this is a really hard one to navigate. Some people avoid this problem entirely by only dating people within their own belief system. But a major speed-bump turned road-block can be dating and then falling for someone of an opposite religion. If this happens you need to sit down and have a serious conversation about where you think your relationship is going and how serious you both are about your beliefs. The last thing you want to do is pass on an opportunity for love without having discussed things first. Just remember- definitely not a conversation for date number one or two!
5. You have to instigate all plans
   If in the beginning of your relationship/dating your guy made all the plans to go out and now it’s all on you, it could mean more than you think. It is natural for guys to get comfortable in a relationship and get lazy, especially if you live together. But if you are still in the early stages and you are always the one getting together plans this is a red-flag. You should still be the main focus a year, 5 years, heck- 20 years into a relationship!

Pinterest

This is a tribute to the nice guys. The nice guys that finish last, that never become more than friends, that endure hours of whining and bitching about what assholes guys are, while disproving the very point. This is dedicated to those guys who always provide a shoulder to lean on but restrain themselves to tentative hugs, those guys who hold open doors and give reassuring pats on the back and sit patiently outside the changing room at department stores. This is in honor of the guys that obligingly reiterate how cute/beautiful/smart/funny/sexy their female friends are at the appropriate moment, because they know most girls need that litany of support. This is in honor of the guys with open minds, with laid-back attitudes, with honest concern. This is in honor of the guys who respect a girl’s every facet, from her privacy to her theology to her clothing style.

…

But one thing I can do, is say that the nice-guy-finishes-last phenomenon doesn’t last forever. There are definitely many girls who grow out of that train of thought and realize they should be dating the nice guys, not taking them for granted. The tricky part is finding those girls, and even trickier, finding the ones that are single.

So, until those girls are found, I propose a toast to all the nice guys. You know who you are, and I know you’re sick of hearing yourself described as ubiquitously nice. But the truth of the matter is, the world needs your patience in the department store, your holding open of doors, your party escorting services, your propensity to be a sucker for a pretty smile. For all the crazy, inane, absurd things you tolerate, for all the situations where you are the faceless, nameless hero, my accolades, my acknowledgement, and my gratitude go out to you. You do have credibility in this society, and your well deserved vindication is coming.

- This rant was written for the Wharton Undergraduate Journal 

I did not write this, I’m just passing along a buried internet find… the full post (worth reading) can be found here.

As I passed my 4 year anniversary writing and researching topics for GenPink, I’ve sought out and received unsolicited guest posts. And although I do review every entry I receive, I do not opt to publish all of the submitted posts. The following guest post was such an interesting topic, with a diverse perspective, I decided I wanted to share, if for no other reason than to spark a discussion. If you’d like to contribute a guest post, or a series to GenPink… fill out this form and I’ll get back with you.

This guest post was written by Allie Gamble (her bio appears at the end of the post): *disclaimer: these views are those of the editor or other contributors of GenPink.*

In our society, and in most societies around the world, it is pretty much expected that young women want to form partnerships with young men, and that children will be the result of those unions. Early on girls are given dolls to play with, and they are taught to play “house” and “dress up.” As they get a bit older, they play with Barbie dolls, pretending all sorts of scenarios, most of which include Barbie having a boyfriend, going on dates, getting married and eventually ending up with a baby. It doesn’t take a psychology degree to see that nurturing is simply expected of girls and is ingrained in them all through their growing up years. While raising children does not have to be a woman’s only option, those who chose to focus on their careers instead of “mommying” often face several psychological challenges.

These days there are a variety of reasons why a woman might choose to remain single and childless. Perhaps she likes her freedom and does not want to be obligated to or responsible to anyone other than herself. Similarly, these days many women are taking advantage of their early 20’s and 30’s to focus on their careers. In fact, given the current trends it’s not unusual for young women to out-earn their male counterparts. Or woman’s decision not have children could be based on the fact that she simply doesn’t care for children. Whatever the reason, it is a choice for her to make.

However, when women reach their later twenties, they are often made very aware of their “biological clock” and its incessant ticking away of their childbearing years. Not only that, but women also experience social pressure to have kids. Marrying or forming some sort of domestic partnership, and then having children are considered the norm in our society. This ideology is oftentimes magnified by peers, friends, co-workers and parents who have taken this path and attempt to convince other women that is necessary for them to have kids in order to be considered healthy and happy.

As such, when a woman does not seek this lifestyle for herself, she is viewed as somehow abnormal. People look at her and may wonder why she isn’t in a relationship or isn’t having children. Seldom does it occur to onlookers that a woman might choose to remain independent as well as childfree. The reality is people are more apt to look at her with sympathy, and say to themselves “poor girl can’t seem to catch a man,” than to see her as valuing the advantages she sees in her choice.

Thus, if you are one of the women who choose to remain single or choose not to have children, you may wonder does my lifestyle choice really mean I’m not “normal”? What is “normal” anyway? Or you may wonder if you will regret your choice in the future. In both cases it is important to remember that you are the only one that can answer these questions for yourself. Your friends, whom you see marrying and having babies, your co-workers off on maternity leave and your parents who want grandchildren cannot choose for you.

It’s up to you to understand the pros and cons of your choice and then to choose the lifestyle you want for yourself. There are challenges in whatever lifestyle you choose, whether they are the psychological challenges of not mommying or the challenges of parenthood. Facing any challenge requires strength and courage. Remember it takes just as much strength and courage to be a parent as it does to choose not to be one.

Happy Valentine’s Day. Here’s a cute video that is bound to make you smile.

This is the 10th post in December’s Top Tens in 2010 Series. This guest post was written by Tanja Dugas, one of my long time friends. Tanja, better known to her students as Ms. Dugas is a highschool art teacher, painter, and all around artsy person (down to the pink hair she had back in the college days). Through a 9 year friendship we have certainly been through some heartache together, so I asked her to provide us with her magic box of heart healing tips.

My top ten tips of how to get over heartache when you know you’re never getting back together. No offense to people who break up and get back together, but if that’s you, this list is not for you.

1. When you feel the urge to contact your ex do something else instead; cut all ties with him for at least a year. Workout, if you have to talk out your feelings then call a friend, blog or write in a journal, learn something new so that you have homework to do (musical instrument, foreign language,etc.)
2. You will cry about him, so let it out. Make 2 playlists. The “cry my eyes out over him” playlist complete with the songs that you used to sing together and the songs he used to sing to you. Then, make a playlist that pumps you up, complete with happy, girl power songs. Then, you listen to the sappy, sad playlist for 10 minutes and you let yourself belt out the tunes and cry as hard as you can, for only 10 minutes. (Notice, as time goes on, eventually you can’t stand being so miserable for ten solid minutes at a time and you realize what a waste of time this actually is.) Then, you listen to the happy playlist as long as you need to stop the thoughts of “I can’t go on with out him”. Rules: Sing along loudly and let it all out!
3. Pamper yourself- If you look good you feel good. No money? You can scrap up 5 bucks for nail polish and just leave in your conditioner longer in the shower, voila! a spa day!
4. Friends and Family- You know that they love you despite your flaws. Spend more time with them, now that your planner is wide open! Plan ahead as well. The more things you have planned the less time you have to sit at home feeling sorry for yourself.
5. Speaking of unconditional love…whether you were the dumped or are the dumpee….you’re not feeling very loved right now, so visit people you know with babies and pets. If you need to, volunteer to babysit, dogsit or go to your local pet shelter. Animals and babies love unconditionally and they’re just so darn cute they make you forget everything for a little while!
6. Go through your entire home, slowly, and remove things that remind you of him. Some things don’t effect you, but many things do. Slowly, say goodbye to these things. Either throw them away or put them in a box, it’s up to you. Also, go ahead and delete his name and contact information from your cell phone. If you’re worried you might to contact him one day when pigs fly, then write it down somewhere where you don’t look very often.
7. Allow yourself to be bitter. Feel every emotion when you feel it. Stomp your feet, yell, scream and curse. Watch the sappy movie and wimper. Experience your experience fully. If you don’t, you will end up breaking down at work, which is not a classy move.
8. Dating….whether or not to and when to date after a breakup is always a big debate. I think when in doubt, DON’T. The best advice I ever got was from a guy friend of mine when he said to wait at least a year after a major gut-wrenching breakup to date again. No, I didn’t listen to him and I wish I had.
9. Remember everyone heals differently. Don’t feel like a loser if it’s been months and you still cry if you hear “our song” on the radio or you get goosebumps when you hear his name. You only need to worry about yourself if it’s been years and you’re still calling into work and taking a mental health day due to “him”.
10. Use this life changing opportunity to rediscover you. How have you changed since the beginning of your relationship with “him”? How do you want to change for the future, the future called your life? Make a bucket list, things that you want to accomplish and how you want to live. Do you want to go back to school, travel, learn Italian? Then, go out, live, and do it. Then, before you know it, when you’re out busy living your life to the fullest, you’ll meet the right one for you.

I believe in being strong when everything goes wrong and cherishing the absolutely amazing people and things this crazy, horrifying, beautiful world possesses.

My favorite love quote which has gotten me through my hardest times, is from Alfred Lord Tennyson’s poem In Memoriam:27, 1850:

I hold it true, whate’er befall;
I feel it, when I sorrow most;
‘Tis better to have loved and lost
Than never to have loved at all.

When I was going through heartache, this song was shared with me by my oldest, dearest friend Elysa. This was her wish for me and so I played this song for years on my ipod. Hope you enjoy the song as much as I do.

Have anything to add that’s worked for you to get through heart ache? Sappy song. Comfort food. You name it, share it with us…

One of my favorite parts of running this ABC series has been choosing the guest writers for each post. When I decided to have R be for Relationship, I knew I wanted someone who could write about all aspects of relationships – family, friends, work, as well as dating. The first definition of the term relationship is usually linked to romantic relationship. We already had a post about dating, so I was wanting this post to cover a broader range. The person that I chose to write this post is Erica of Five Blondes, a blog written by Erica and her 4 blonde sisters. When I wrote to her asking if she’d like to participate this was my logic “I figure someone with 4 sisters knows about creating relationships with people.”

This guest post was written by Erica, who blogs regularly along with her 4 blonde sisters at Five Blondes.

* * * *

It’s not just what you know, it’s who you know.

Have you ever heard that?

I’m here to tell you that it’s completely true. My life is a testament to the fact! My job, my apartment, my fiance…none of these things would even exist if it hadn’t been for friends and family. Relationships help you get ahead in life, and can give your life structure and meaning. I would feel lost without my friends and family – wouldn’t you?

Although I’m only 25, I’ve known my boss for over 14 years (and we’re the same age!). How is that possible? We met in the fifth grade, both new students at a music school. We quickly became friends and remained close throughout elementary school and high school. We drifted apart a little after she got married and began her family – at the same time, she was starting a business with her husband. Just over a year ago, I noticed that their company was hiring. Feeling unchallenged by my call centre job, I thought to myself “it’s who you know!” Thanks to my longtime relationship with my friend, today I have a job I love and new relationships with great co-workers and clients.

Since turning 20, I’ve found that it has been easier to identify what relationships in my life are the most meaningful. I’ve traveled across the country and back and held nearly a dozen different jobs. My friends from high school have spread out across the country, making getting together a rare occasion. But the people who truly care about me are the ones I just can’t seem to get rid of – in the best way possible! They’re the friends who send notes every once in a while just to say hi. The cousins I see only once a year – but when I do see them, it feels like we were never apart. It is said that true friends are hard to find – I also think they’re hard to lose.

When it comes to your relationships with your family members, it might take a long time for you to recognize the true value in them. As is normal when siblings are growing up, my sisters and I fought. A lot. It wasn’t until they began moving away from home for university and for their own twenty-something adventures that I realized just how special they are to me, and how important it is for them to be a part of my life. Like fine wine, relationships only get better with age – I can’t wait for the future!

On this day for celebrating love, this piece of advice written by my lovely friend (and college roommate) Olivia is perfect:
* * * *

if you’re anything like me, you’ve had your fair share of unhealthy relationships. the thing is, that’s okay, as long as you pay attention to what it is you are supposed to learn from each situation. bad relationships are an invaluable opportunity to learn about yourself, about what you want out of life and love and relationships. there is no better way to learn what you truly want and need than to experience what you don’t want.

so i’m hoping to impart a little bit of what i’ve learned from my personal experience. i have found these things to be key to my happiness and to the health of my relationship with my husband. you might consider this somewhat of a relationship checklist – the staples of a healthy relationship. make sure they’re on your list too.

equality:

it is so so important that you and your partner be equals. on so many levels.

you don’t want to be in a relationship where one of you likes the other more or less.

say, for instance, that you like your partner more than he (or she) likes you. you will constantly be fighting for his time, his attention, his love. he will be annoyed at best and will inevitably start pushing you away. this is an incredibly painful situation, and incredibly dangerous for your self worth.

please listen to me when i tell you that there is no better feeling in the world than knowing that your partner loves you and appreciates you just as much (no more, no less) than you love and appreciate him.

respect:

i’m talking about real respect. i promise you it comes naturally when you truly love each other equally. you don’t have to work at it, you just do it. you put each other first, you communicate about the important stuff, you don’t hurt each other. ever. you would never want to.

trust:

trust is what happens when you know that you are respected and loved as an equal in your relationship. you cannot be in a successful relationship unless you know, deep down in your heart and soul and bones and gross inside parts, that you can trust your partner with your heart. it’s a scary thing, i know, to give someone that kind of power. but be sure that it is an amazing gift to be able to do such a thing.

communication:

everyone says it because it’s true: communication is key to any relationship.

talk to your partner and make sure that you’re on the same page about the important stuff. (first, you might need to take some time to figure out what it is that is really important to you.)

always discuss big decisions. be willing to compromise. articulate your thoughts, your opinions, your emotions. talk about your day, too. and don’t forget to listen.

teamwork:

okay. this is common sense. you and your partner are in a relationship. you need to be on the same team. if you’re not on the same team, one of you will always be losing. help each other through the hard stuff, and celebrate each other’s victories. work together. you are in this together. act that way.

laughter:

don’t take yourself or each other too seriously. please. be silly. be goofy. be you. life is fun. enjoy it. nothing in life is worth getting all worked up over.

i’m not trying to say that life is all sunshine and roses. bad things happen. times get hard. but that’s when you need to remember that you’re on the same team. there’s nothing you can’t get through together.

these things are priceless. do not underestimate their value.

but this is important too: know who you are and what you deserve, and do not settle for anything – ANYTHING – less.

be able to recognize when a relationship is not right and then get out of it. why would you stay? your partner should lift you up, hold your hand, be your friend, and make you smile. not cry — unless you are crying happy tears. and you should return the favor. i’m telling you that the fairy tale is real. it exists. don’t be afraid to go out and get it.

Happy Valentine’s Day! May you feel loved and cherished.

Thursday marks the continuation of the guest post series on Twenty Something Advice. Today’s guest post is written by Blonde Features, a 23 year old just trying to figure out life. She says she is "trying not to lose my tan, the beach, and my blonde hair in Washington."

Love in your 20′s can be a very confusing thing. My best friend has just gone through an awful break up. At 22, she spent 5 years (all of college) with her boyfriend and the most important advice I feel that I have given her and what I would tell every 20 something is: The most important thing you can do for yourself is to spend time learning about who you are as an independent person and be comfortable being single.

I am a loving person, I love being in a relationships, but after being in one relationship for 3 years and another for 2 years I made it a point to be on my own. I found it extremely challenging and lonely but after spending two years single I learned how important it is to value yourself as an independent adult. This is the time in our lives to ask ourselves, "What do I want out of life? What do I want to accomplish before I die? How do I want the world to look at me? What is important to me?". These are difficult to answer alone and more so when you have someone who is always around. How can you expect to be introspective when you are in a relationship and always thinking about someone else?

I have been in love twice, I have been single and I know that I have met "the ONE." It wasn’t easy but I learned a lot in the process. I met him freshmen year of college. I was only 18. We dated for two years and I struggled in college trying to balance him, while trying to flourish in a new environment where I was on my own for the first time and I couldn’t have both. We broke up and I transferred schools, needing space to grow. And I did grow. While I missed him every day of the next two years when we were apart, I did a lot of growing up. I was single, I met new people, I met new friends, I learned about being lonely, being alone, and finally being happy and being alone. I kept him in a corner of my mind every day but not having him to lean on, caused me to venture out, do more things, pursue the things I love. I don’t believe it is impossible to accomplish these things when you are in a relationship, but I believe for me, I needed to spend that time alone, to force myself to get out there because I couldn’t just stay home and watch a movie alone on a Friday night and not feel lonely. I had to go to that party where that nice girl from my class had invited me to, I took up surfing so I didn’t spend Saturday afternoons always studying, I got a job and really pursued my interests of event planning. Those are the most important things I learned being single and I would never take any of that back.

My story ends happily every after. At the end of senior year in college, after two years of complete silence between "The One" and I, I finally cracked the ice. I was ready for him and for what he meant to me and my life. I sent him a note for his birthday, just a token that even after 2 years I was still thinking of him. He responded with the love letter I always hoped would be there when I was ready. The one where he told me he missed me everyday, his life was not complete without me, and that I was his "One." We have been back together for 2 years since that heart-stopping moment. But I know things would never have worked if I had let my love swallow my independence and that is what I would hope for every 20 year old. Be Independent, Take "Me" time now before "Family" time takes over later in life. Learn to Make Yourself Smile Before You Try to Make Someone Else Smile!

Hope that helps!! I still struggle with being 20something everyday, but I hope what I learned will help someone else! Good Luck!

-Blonde Features

I love having this series being primarily guest posts because I love getting other 20somethings views on life, life and the whole crazy thing. Though I did my single, independent time in a different order than blonde features I completely agree with her. I very much believe life in your twenties is about figuring out what it is you really want for your future. I would like to add one thing it is important also to keep your independence even when you are in a relationship. This seems pretty obvious but I have seen several women, especially young women, lose themselves by trying to change themselves for their guy.

What do you guys think?

Be sure to check out Blonde Features blog.

If you’d like to contribute to the advice series you can contact me on 20something Bloggers.

Previous Twenty Something Advice:

• Twenty Something Advice: Make your goals measurable
• Twenty Something Advice: Is it time for a job change?
• Twenty Something Advice: Circle of Friends
• Twenty Something Advice: Power of Music
• Twenty Something Advice: Educate Yourself on Politics
• Twenty Something Struggle: Why Can’t I Be Happy?
• Twenty Something Advice: Don’t plan your life based on what other people expect

Since this blog is more of an informative type blog, than a personal blog, you may not have noticed that I have been avoiding a topic. I am still avoiding my insight into the topic but I figure at least for now I can tell you that my blogging buddy Zandria did a great job summing up the topic which I have been avoiding. Do you stay or do you go?

I chose GO! Three years, my heart, my soul and a gorgeous diamond ring all over. As Meredith would say "It’s over … so over."