Danae Matthews lives in San Francisco and writes for an on-line women’s health resource Women’s Health Base.

Hit the Brakes

There is a defining moment in every relationship. The first kiss that assures a mutual attraction. Meeting the parents. For all of the flowery displays of affection and exclusivity there are then the “red-flag” moments. Amidst the red-flags it can become hard for us to decipher what are speed-bumps and what are road-blocks. The deal breakers that should send us heading for the hills so frequently become the things that we think we can “work out” together. This is why you have so many girlfriends stuck in dead-end relationships lying to themselves that at the heart of it all, they are meant to be together.
So how do you decode a speed-bump from a road-block? Every relationship comes with its own set of rules of course, but some things to keep in mind…

1. Your significant other doesn’t like any of your friends
   Who you choose to surround yourself with is a direct reflection on you and your personality. If the person you’re dating takes issue with your best gaggle of girlfriends watch out. This could mean a number of different things, but two big ones could be: he is conditioning your relationship to be exclusively you+him by cutting out the competition, and/or there are things he doesn’t love about you that he sees illuminated in your friend group.
2. Major life decisions start being taken off the table
   If all of the sudden your boyfriend starts getting really adamant about the things he doesn’t want, listen to what he’s saying. If in the beginning of dating you managed to tip-toe around most of the serious subjects, but now he is making big proclamations about never wanting to get married, or having no desire to have children it could be the symptom of a much bigger problem. The last thing you want to do is think that if you stay together longer, he will change his mind.
3. You start getting calls and texts to see what you’re doing
   This is a fine line to walk. Some couples text all day long as a way to get through a tedious work-day or stay connected. But if you start getting more and more texts or calls just to “check-in” and see what you are doing it might be a good idea to hit the brakes and convene for a convo. You already have one father and if you allow what may seem like innocent behavior go on too long, you could end up with two.
4. Separate religions, but now you’re serious
   So this is a really hard one to navigate. Some people avoid this problem entirely by only dating people within their own belief system. But a major speed-bump turned road-block can be dating and then falling for someone of an opposite religion. If this happens you need to sit down and have a serious conversation about where you think your relationship is going and how serious you both are about your beliefs. The last thing you want to do is pass on an opportunity for love without having discussed things first. Just remember- definitely not a conversation for date number one or two!
5. You have to instigate all plans
   If in the beginning of your relationship/dating your guy made all the plans to go out and now it’s all on you, it could mean more than you think. It is natural for guys to get comfortable in a relationship and get lazy, especially if you live together. But if you are still in the early stages and you are always the one getting together plans this is a red-flag. You should still be the main focus a year, 5 years, heck- 20 years into a relationship!

Thanks to Trop50 for sponsoring my writing about fabulous bloggers. This year Trop50 is granting 50 Fabulous Wishes. Click here to enter for a chance to win $1,000 to celebrate a friend with a refreshing attitude about looking and feeling fabulous!

When I started blogging 4 years ago, if someone had told me that some of my greatest friends would be people from the internet. I would have laughed at them. YOU MEAN STRANGERS? NO really. In addition to being a blogger, I am an avid blog reader. Almost daily I check in on the lives, thoughts, ideas and inspiration provided by my interconnected blogger pool. The number of bloggers that I admire could keep us here all day, but TODAY I’ve been challenged to share 5 fabulous bloggers. So my disclaimer: if you are not on this list, that doesn’t mean you wouldn’t be on the list of 7 or 10 bloggers but I’m sticking to my limit today. I hope that you, dear readers, discover at least one new blogger in this round-up. In alphabetical order:

Jenny Blake

Oh man, where to start… how about this at the ripe young mid-twenty age Jenny published her first book. Yes the paper kind! It’s beautiful, and thought provoking. And every time I see it on my desk I am a) one inch closer to sitting my butt down to write the book in my brain and b) so freakin’ excited that she had the balls and motivation to put her blood, sweat, and tears out for the world to see. Also, did I mention Jenny works at Google. Maybe you’ve heard of it. In addition to Jenny being a rockstar author she is also warm and sparkly.  If you’ve met her, this statement makes sense. If you haven’t… remedy this.

Jenny’s Blog: Life After College

Grace Boyle

Grace is one of 2 people on this list that I have not met IRL *yet*. But seriously it doesn’t feel like it. Grace wins my imaginary award for most responsive human ever. If I send her an email chances are she will respond in 0.7 seconds. Doesn’t matter if the email is work related (I use her company’s search service on my blog!) or off the wall silly (hello horse/yoga retreat) or something that requires some serious thought (like advice on a job). Grace is a foodie and her writing is very thought provoking. She has a way of asking questions that make me ponder for days. I can tell she’s a visual person in her writing, I never feel like I’ve missed any detail of an experience that she shares, whether it be about food, love, work or just a random Saturday.

Grace’s Blog: Small Hands, Big Ideas

Elisa Doucette

This has been a bad-ass year for Elisa (not to be confused with Elysa – glad we got that over with) as far as blogger achievements go. She is now officially a blogger for Forbes Women. Yes. THE FORBES. When I heard the news I was not one bit surprised. I have also not met Elisa. Elisa’s writing is usually well researched, kind of in-you-face, and always requires time to digest. I feel smarter for “knowing” her. I’m impressed with the frequency of her writing and how diverse her topics are. Sometimes controversial and sometimes she’s just stating the obvious that people have been avoiding.

Elisa’s Blog: Ophelia’s Webb

Sydney Owen

I have the reverse scenario with Sydney as the other bloggers. I did not start reading her blog until I met her. We met in March 2009. After spending 5 days with her at SXSW, I told her she needed to get business cards printed that said “Sydney Makes Sh*t Happen”. A little over 2 years later Sydney is beyond proving me right. She jumps out of airplanes both as a hobby and a profession. Try that one on for size, ehh! Her writing is heartfelt, intense, and kind of inspirational in a non-cheerleader way. Sydney is the kind of person that if she’s excited about something, she’ll have you excited about it too. Sydney is an entrepreneur, a firecracker and also FULL of heart. She’s a go-to-the-edge-of-the-earth for someone kind of friend.

Sydney’s Blog: Sydney Unfiltered

Doniree Walker

And last but not least Ms Doniree Walker, also known as Doni. Doniree has a sweet soul that shows in everything she touches. Her writing is diverse, some days pensive, others joyful, but always filled with so much of her. Doni seems to always be questioning, what can be learned from something, what’s next, and what is… in this moment. I’m honored to know her and always inspired by her writing. Ever heard the saying about something being all “sunshines and roses” I’m pretty sure this girl is. She’s a smiley kinda girl, in a content, happy to be alive kinda way.

Doniree’s Blog: Living With Intention

Don’t forget to enter the 50 Fabulous Wishes contest for a chance to win $1,000 to celebrate a friend with a refreshing attitude about looking and feeling fabulous. I was selected for this Tropicana Trop50 sponsorship by the Clever Girls Collective, which endorses Blog With Integrity, as I do. I received compensation to use and facilitate my post.

This guest post was written as part of GenPink’s Top 10 in 2010 series, by Olga Garcia, 20something public relations strategist and fellow member of Brazen Careerist.

Did you grow up sitting down with your parents and talking about finances, what a good investment is, or how to balance a check book? If your answer was no, then welcome to the majority of young women’s realities. Even though most of our parents were functioning members of society contributing to the economy, the conversation of ‘personal finances’ was virtually non-existent. I have spoken to dozens of women who are just now discovering their financial wisdom in the later part of their 20s, some even rectifying years of bad financial choices.

Learning how to manage my finances has always been a pillar in my adult life, even though I resisted the idea until I graduated college. I was very fortunate to grow up with a CPA as a mother. At age 10, I opened my first savings account. At age 15, I had my first checking account. College marked the true milestone in financial education. The week before I left, my mother sat me down and made me write out a budget. All I wanted to do was ignore the importance of finances, like the rest of my friends. I thought the cool thing in college was to have a credit card, not a budget. After my own set of minor ups and downs, I can thank my mother’s financial persistence to the success that I have today. The great news that I learned is that no matter what financial foundation you have, you can always change your current situation.

Our chats always boiled down to two things: money is both a tactical and emotional matter. The tactical is fairly easy to navigate and implement. There is an entire industry built around educating people on managing their finances. The irony is that we still see dozens of people in debt, living beyond their means. That is why it is so important to understand the emotional side of money. That is the wisdom that my mother passed on to me.

I think we are taught to treat our finances like that chemistry class that you had to take to graduate with a degree in Fine Arts. Boring, unnecessary and confusing. Rather than delve into the 3 things you need to do now, before the dooms day of your finances is upon you, let’s have that talk about the emotional side of money. That is the talk that no one has and is central to your peace as a young adult. Yes. I said money brings you peace. When you learn about how your finances play a role in your life, then things like investments, budgets, credit card debts, even buying a home, will not stress you out. So taking us back to that table chat (with a glass of wine because we are all adults), “Here’s to the start of relieving that stress.”

1. You are not your money.

2. Treat your finances like a game.

Your finances are not like the class you had to take to graduate. It can be fun if you make it fun. The key to that…play reverse psychology on yourself. When I decided to go on a gap year after college, the first thing I did was investigate how I could make the most amount of interest on the money that I was going to save. Going through that process and knowing that in a year I could make several extra hundreds of dollars, just by researching, made the whole experience exciting, not laborious. I even went as far as making a thermometer chart where I would fill in how much I saved every month. Next thing I knew, I hit my goal in under the time I expected. Find at least 1 way to play that game with yourself. Maybe it’s figuring out how much you need to save to get that new thing you’ve wanted to for months.

3. Know your magic comfort number.

We all have thresholds that help us stay calm about our money situations. Our bottom-line is how much we need to have in the bank for those just in case emergencies, self-treats or simple peace of mind. Unfortunately, we are not taught to find that magical number. There is no right or wrong answer, only what feels comfortable for you. Just remember, no two people will ever have the same number.

4. Your debt will eat away at you.

Having debt is like having a cold that won’t go away. You want it to, but it feels out of your control. Luckily for you, you control your debt and not the other way around. The first step is knowing how much you have in debt. That includes credit cards, car and student loan payments, mortgages, friendly IOUs. Once you know how much that is (don’t be scared by that number, even if it’s high), starting building a game plan to pay it off. You can treat your debt like a game too. Maybe make a thermometer chart filling in how much you are paying off each month.

5. Know your monthly fixed costs.

You know your bottom-line and how much you have in debt. Now it’s important to know how much you are spending on a monthly basis that is fixed. That means writing down how much you are paying for rent, utilities, phone, internet, groceries, car payment, etc. That will give you an understanding of how much you need to make per month to cover your costs and how much of that money left over is for savings (always first), debt payment and fun.

6. Learn to splurge – wisely.

You work hard for your money. There is no reason to not treat yourself! The whole trick is knowing how to splurge. The $400 purse you want may not be the best idea if your debt is $10,000. However, buying yourself a nice shirt at the end of the month after having paid off $1,000 of that debt, awesome idea. Keeping track of your successes, whether it is growing your savings or paying off your debt, helps you to tangibly see your progress. That is your greatest sense of accomplishment.

7. Know your end goal.

Just like with any other accomplishment in your life, know where you are heading with your finances. It could be a long-term goal like a house or a short-term goal like a new dress. There is no goal too big or too small to start planning for. It’s a good thing to know both long and short-term goals so that you can save for both right away. A little trick: most banks let you set up ‘virtual savings accounts’ where you can virtually partition your money for long and short-term goals.

8. Find a financial mentor.

Personal finance seems scary because we feel like we are out there in the financial world alone. It doesn’t have to be that way. Find someone who you respect as a person and has the financial position that would like to have. Take them out to coffee, lunch, whatever fits your budget. Ask them how they got to where they are now. Ask them to give you some tips and tricks that they’ve learned along the way. Ask them to hold you accountable for achieving your financial success. When you have someone who is cheering you on, it builds skins in the game.

9. Treat your personal finances like a business (Rock star move!)

I really sound like my mother here. If you run your finances like you would run a business, then you can numerically see where there you are succeeding or where there is room for improvement. Use resources like Mint.com or Quickbooks to build that perspective over your finances. The key in financial savviness is have hindsight. Trust me, you won’t be cringing when you get a bill in the mail. You know exactly what to do and how you are going to do it.

10. Tactical Tip Added Bonus!

Everything written in this post is about the emotional side of money. This is my one and only tactical tip: Always have a beneficiary on your accounts (must be someone you trust). I have seen too many people have to go through mourning and battling with the government to get accessing their loved ones accounts. Regardless if you are married or not, having a beneficiary will ensure that your money is safely held by your beneficiary who can act on your behalf and not the government.

If you want to read more and learn more tactical tips from financial gurus, check these guys out: Dave Ramsey, Suze Orman, Ramit Sethi. Even the government has a special website called Wi$eUp dedicated to helping women increase their financial knowledge. Another great resource by the government is called MyMoney.gov.

(via hongkiat)

This morning I opened up my trusty feed reader (feedly), and soon clicked on a post of mine to see how it looked in feedly. There are so many things about using this clean, minimalist feed reader, but one of my favs is the fact that it recommends things "you might also like". The suggested reading for those who like GenPink just so happen to be some of my favorite ladies.

Check it out (I did not pick these – but it’s pretty close to what I would have picked):

• Penelope Trunk’s Brazen Careerist
• Modite by Rebecca Thorman
• Life After College by Jenny Blake
• Zen Habits (ok a guy writes this one – but it’s great!)
• A Life in Translation
• Small Hands, Big Ideas
• Sydney: Unfiltered
• Mad Grad
• Politicoholic by Nisha Chittal
• Ophelias Webb

I saw this via twitter and I thought was worth sharing.

The venerable Estee Lauder cosmetics brand has found a seemingly natural way to connect with social media: offering free makeovers and photo shoots at its department-store cosmetics counters coast-to-coast to produce shots women can use for their online profiles. – AdAge

The promotion will start in New York Bloomingdale’s October 16th and expand into Macy’s and Saks in other cities.

The gift that the brand hopes will keep on giving is that the profile photos include the Estee Lauder logo in the background, which, assuming they aren’t Photoshopped into oblivion, could give the brand lasting presence on Facebook beyond its own 27,000-member plus fan page. The promotion is being plugged on that page, as well as on Estee Lauder’s website, and the company is also using PR to spread the word. – AdAge

I am entrenched in the marketing and social media world so "new" ideas always appeal to me. What do you think of this idea? Do you think you’d act on this offer? I’ve never used Estee Lauder, but it sounds fun to me.

More info: Estee Lauder Facebook Fan Page

I find it ironic that I filmed this video on why women suck at self promotion several days ago and I kept doubting whether I should put it up. Umm hi I suck at self-promotion!

According to a great post my friend Nisha Chittal wrote, The Politics Of Self-Promotion: Women Suck At It – "eight times as many men as women graduating with master’s degrees from Carnegie Mellon negotiated their salaries". She has a lot of other great statistics on her post – all which floored me! So I’m very curious WHY women suck at self-promotion. I think it’s pretty clear from watching my circle of friends there is certainly a different style of promotion among men and women but I’m curious what that is.

Since I like promoting other people … Here are some of my favorite Gen Y Women Bloggers you should be following!

• Rebecca Thorman – Modite: career advice for a new generation of workers.
• Tiffany Monhollon – Personal PR: building relationships, and sharing ideas.
• Sydney Owen – On New Media: Sydney recently moved to Chicago for a fabulous PR job! She blogs about PR, life and new media.
• Nisha Chittal – Politicoholic: commentary about a wide variety of issues, mostly political and social.
• Grace Boyle – Small Hands, Big Ideas: Life as a Gen Y in a startup with daily inspiration
• Holly Hoffman – Work, Love, Life: her blog title says it all! Holly is very inspiration and thought provoking in her writing.
• Jamie Varon – Intersected: Jamie is moving to Italy in 3 days, what more do you want to know!
• Jamie Ann – Oh! How Lovely!: Jamie blogs about life and inspiration and fun pink things!
• Monica O’Brien – Twenty Set: Monica O’Brien is a Marketing Consultant specializing in marketing strategy and consumer insights at the juncture of new media and traditional marketing.
• Susan Pogorzelski – twenty(or)something: career and personal development with a mix of creativity and reminiscence.
• Five Blondes: 5 blonde sisters blogging about life from five points of view.

*I stole many of these descriptions from Ryan Stephan’s Top 10 Gen Y Blogs.

If I forgot you, how about practice your self promo muscles and promote yourself in the comments!

Interested to know in the comments why you ladies (and guys) think women aren’t so great at self-promo.

PS: A bit of my own self promo (yay!) today Monday is the last day to vote for our SXSW panel submission on Why Gen Y Wants to Work “With” You, Not “For” You. I’d love for you to vote!

Carol Smith, senior vice president and chief brand officer for the Elle Group, the media company is quoted in the New York Times saying "Hands down women are better [managers]. There’s no contest." She goes on to say

"In my experience, female bosses tend to be better managers, better advisers, mentors, rational thinkers. Men love to hear themselves talk. I’m so generalizing. I know I am. But in a couple of places I’ve worked, I would often say, ‘Call me 15 minutes after the meeting starts and then I’ll come,’ because I will have missed all the football. I will have missed all the ‘what I did on the golf course.’ I will miss the four jokes, and I can get into the meeting when it’s starting."

This declaration of managerial skill is very intriguing to me. However, upon reflection I realized I’ve yet to have a male manager. I’m not quite sure how that has happened but as the case may be, it’s true. Savvy Sugar has a poll that last I checked was leaning towards "Management skills have nothing to do with gender." But the comments were certainly less than neutral. According to the Boston Globe is may be more profitable to put women in charge. So what do you think?

Twenty something blogger, Sarah (aka Sarahbration) sparked quite a conversation on 20sb (20something bloggers network) all surrounding one word … feminist. The original question was quite simple and to the point:

International Women’s Day got me thinking about feminism and how few people in our generation seem to identify themselves as feminists. I’m curious to hear what other 20-somethings think.

Three days later and 9 pages of debating back and forth I’m left with some interesting insight and answers to questions that I’d never even thought about.

Sarah sets the tone with her initial blog post stating she is definitely a feminist "I’m not sure when I became aware of the f word, but it must have been fairly early on, because for as long as I can remember, I took for granted that the majority of people would say they were feminists. I mean, come on, who doesn’t believe women and men should be given equal rights and respect?".

The discussion begins with L.L saying she can’t call herself a feminist because it’s an ugly (hijacked) word. "I’m all about equality, for everyone. All colours, all sexes, all religions. However – to me, feminism has gone from calling for equality for women, to wanting women to be viewed as superior. I don’t feel that is right."

So essentially this raises the question what does feminist mean? How can you call yourself something if we can’t come to terms with what the word even means. Here’s a few of the distinctions offered by the 20sb community:

• I think feminism just means that women want the right to be any kind of woman that they want to be… Which I’m 100% on board with. – Muppet
• I think feminism is a hoax. "Lipstick" feminism, above all, is a contradiction in terms. I think men and women are created equal, but I usually disagree with most feminists on all of their politics. So many feminists want reparations for gender roles, they decide to make themselves into victims. Today’s feminists AREN’T fighting for my right to vote or… much else that really applies to me. THOSE first wave feminists didn’t just complain, they did way more than that. THIS wave of feminists is more of the sex and the city set – we have a right to be sexy, but we still talk about needing a man even though we think we’re independent.- Kat
• I’m a feminist. If I choose to wear lipstick it doesn’t make me not a feminist. If I wear my hair in french braids, or wear diamond earrings, or get a tattoo of a slice of pizza on my forearm, or wear a leather jacket, I’m still a feminist. Feminism is about choice… so anybody who wants to wear lipstick can, in my opinion. – Lisa
• Yes. I am a feminist. I don’t hate men, I love my boyfriend, I love when he takes me on dates, and I want to get married and have children some day. I shave my armpits and legs and all that good stuff. But…when I go to work, I want the guy working along side of me with the exact same level of education and experience to make the same amount of money as I do and I want to be respected in public and the work place. Feminist has become such a dirty word, it’s all about equality! – Bethany
• Some women of color choose not to associate themselves as a feminist but instead choose the term "womanist". They feel feminism doesn’t speak to them or include them in the movement. As a women of color, I consider myself a feminist because I believe in equal rights. I’m sorry, but the basic definition of feminism, as Lisa has pointed out, is about equality and I believe WOC "womanists" are feminists too. – floreta
• I think the joy of feminism is giving women, of all races, creeds and backgrounds, the chance to have the same opportunities and consideration given to them that men have. Feminism is about giving women the power to determine what they want to do, and supporting them in those decisions. – Elle Belle

Lisa, changed the direction of the discussion, through a metaphor about Christianity saying that even though there are people giving Christianity a bad name people are still standing by that term and the term feminist should be no different.

I read all 9 pages in one sitting and the discussion spun off in many interesting directions including: fathers rights in family court, maternity leave, the value of jobs historically held by women, gender discrepancy in the military, and decreasing BMIs of playmates. In the end, whenever I’m reading or listening to anything, I’m always looking for my take-a-way. I often ask my friends, at the end of movies, church and even conversations "what’s your biggest take away?". I would say that in the whole discussion mine are:

• "… feminism in no way means that we should shy away from or scoff at the value of traditional women’s roles. It simply means we don’t have to and aren’t expected to adhere to them if we don’t want to just like men shouldn’t have to follow the guidelines of traditional men’s roles." – Sarah
• And this statement which can apply to many areas of life "when you’re not extreme – PEOPLE LISTEN TO YOU. They don’t write you off automatically. We’re definitely getting things done when we argue vocally with reason, passion, and grace. No screaming here. Usually. :)" – Ashley Marie

So my next question is … "so what? now what?" – maybe it’s the marketer in me but I’m looking for a call-to-action in all of this. I’m curious with all of the passion, research and energy that I saw displayed in this discussion what actual steps (if any) can/should/would someone take because of the information that has been so gracefully hashed out in the past few days via an informal forum. If before the election someone had asked “do you call yourself a Republican?” and a nine page discussion broke out at the end I would feel compelled to go vote – that’s my very clear action.

For the most part I don’t talk about my personal life here but today I’m choosing to because of the topic. I am sitting in the waiting room at the hospital my mom’s lifelong best friend (my other mother) was just called back for surgery. Last week she was diagnosed with breast cancer – so today she begins the process. There are 10 of us sitting in the waiting room pretty much just making idle chit chat at the moment. At times like this there aren’t a whole lot of words.

One of the family friends brought Beth an amazing gift. Pink boxing gloves that are to signify being a fighter. There is a little card attached to the gloves that says:
———————————–
When all seems hopeless remember the “Steps To Become a Fighter”
Find the courage to fight
Ignite the enthusiasm deep within you
Give 100% every day
Hold on to those who love you
Think positive
Endure the fear & doubt
Remember you are not alone

We, at My Knockout Inc., want to encourage you to “keep fighting” no matter how tough your battle may be.

You are a champion in the eyes of those who love you and we hope the gloves bring you encouragement every day. Remember to “never give up”.
http://www.myknockout.com
———————————–

{Update: this post was written in October of 2008. Beth passed away in August 2010}