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Saying “No”: Men vs. Women

I heard something on Oprah that made me STOP, say “hold up” to myself, hit rewind on the DVR and watch it again.

“When a man says no in this culture, it’s the end of the discussion. When a woman says no, it’s the beginning of a negotiation.” – Gavin De Becker (author of The Gift of Fear) – as seen on Oprah’s episode Trusting Your Intuition.

Are we really still in a day and age where this is the case? I’d like to hope that we aren’t. I wonder if this is a generational thing. I’d like to say that I completely disagree with this 1950esque statement but sadly I cannot. This statement really does nothing more for me than make me want to ask questions. Will this off balance ever be different? Can it be seen as a positive instead of a negative idea?

  • I think it's unfortunate when situations like that still occur, but I would say from my own work experience that it matters more on how you carry yourself than on your gender. If you have a strong personality, presence, and carry yourself well, regardless of your gender- no will mean no. I have seen men in meetings say no, and they get a negotiation. I've seen women in meetings say no, and it's final.

    I would wonder if the harsher situation in this case isn't so much "when no means no" but "what it means when no means no". As in, if a women says no and it's taken as no, is she considered a 'wear the pants' kind of woman, etc?

    It's sad to think these are all still issues in play.
  • Tanja
    wow is all I have to say. I think even in 2008 there are still male and female stereotypes for a reason....and definitely just like everything, a negative can be turned into a positive.
  • btw...I decided to blog on this topic, as I wanted to write more. If you get a chance, I'd love your feedback.
    When "No" Means "Maybe" and Body Language Is King
  • If a woman doesn't value her own opinion, others won't either. People take cues from others, so I think it is important to look at what kinds of cues are given in these situations.
  • umm i think it is probably still true in a lot of cases, unfortunately. probably less so than it used to be, though.

    the quote from that episode that i found most powerful and so true was the one about how men's worst fear is that women will laugh at them -- and women's worst fear is that men will kill them.
  • I see that at work. It's really sad and disgusting. I'd like to think it's not as bad in some places as others.. but I'm not sure.
  • I don't know what type of women "Gavin" hangs with, but when a woman tells me no, it usually means no.

    ...wait, that sounds bad. I'm talking about discussions, not forced sex.

    ...damn it that still sounds bad. I give up, but you know what I mean.
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