Have you ever been in a situation that you didn’t feel ready for but that there really was no way to really ever be ready. Like stomp-your-feet, hold-your-breath, wish-you-could-do-something to change the outcome because you “don’t wanna.” Have you ever experienced this feeling? Perhaps it came when looking for a new job, starting a new school year, from a friend moving away or in worst case losing someone.
I know someone who is in the tug-o-war of life right now, the struggle that is called “cancer”. Doctors have given grim outcomes and everyone has stood by watching and waiting, inside just saying “I’m not ready.” Sometimes when situations in life reach a certain emotional threshold it’s hard to find the words. But also, because there are so many emotions you want to let them out and share them with at least someone in hopes that somehow that could make a difference.
Last week I read something someone else wrote that very closely expressed what I’m feeling today. And to protect her privacy I’m just relaying part of her post called Missing.
It’s 2AM, can’t sleep.My mind is racing with so many thoughts and emotions, my tired body cannot find enough peace or rest to sleep.I am sitting in the kitchen, listening to the hum and ho of the dishwasher, processing the scene in the kitchen from earlier this evening.When I arrived at my grandparents, I was greeted by my aunt, who looked at me with joy that I was here, but pure exhaustion from the day, my sweet Pawpaw, smiling, glad that we finally made it, and my uncle, who I admire so much, for being such a strong rock throughout this experience.Someone was missing.
I was in luck, it was close to her “dinnertime”, so she would be up soon to eat a little food and take some medicine.As we were getting settled, Pawpaw went to get Nana. Within a few minutes, she was in the hallway making her journey to the kitchen.I saw my Nana less than a month ago at my sisters wedding, it seemed at that time the cancer was winning, but her appearance and movement has radically changed since then.Quietly, she said, “Come here sweetie, so I can hug your neck.”Nana hasn’t changed, her body has just failed. The warmth and love is still there, it’s just slower and exhausted.I ran to her as quick as I could. I smothered her with kisses, as she did me. I told her she looked so beautiful and how much I loved her.The last few weeks have been brutal. The next few weeks don’t look so hot either.Today was a glimpse into a foreign land, that I am not ready to visit.
The world were Nana isn’t there to hug my neck.
And just like my friend who is “not ready to visit the world where Nana isn’t here to hug her neck.” I am not ready to say goodbye to someone who has deeply touched my life. Someone who has made many heart smile and someone that lights up a room. She is an embodiment of the word family and consequently, there are many MANY people standing at her bedside right now “wishing for a miracle.”
I know that even though most of us are not ready the time will come much sooner than what we will be ready for.
To someone I love who has loved me and many others in this life, you will always be in my heart… I will always remember your laughter.